LIGHT RELIEF

Massey University will soon make a massive contribution to New Zealand literature. The annual, “Best New Zealand Quotes” is about to be decided. For some reason 2021 has been a fertile year for the contest. New Zealanders are very good in all sorts of fields. Sharp-witted humor is not one of them. British comedy for example is in a class of its own. However, in 2021 we are clearly getting better.

There are ten finalists. I’ve shown my favorite four below.

“It is a challenge in high density areas for people to get outside and spread their legs.” Covid-19 response minister Chris Hipkins’ slip of the tongue.

“He is about as exciting as the Taihape public toilets.” Commentator Mike Williams on Christopher Luxon.

“That was a bed-time fail.” Jacinda Ardern after daughter Neve interrupts her Facebook live.

“No, it’s a f–ing goat.” Toddler mimicking her mum’s description of a goat in her garden.

And so, I voted today for, “He is about as exciting as the Taihape public toilets.” It describes the new leader of the National Party, Christopher Luxon, perfectly. The clever addition of the word “about” successfully ranks the toilets ahead of Luxon in their personality contest. That also is true. Perhaps Luxon’s sense of humour has been surgically removed.

I have used the Taihape toilets during journeys between Auckland and Wellington. It is a facility not to be underrated. Three cubicles for women and three for men and one for “unisex”. That is Taihape’s effort to be inclusive. It is all quite posh actually. Perhaps not black Mercedes posh but it offers more stability than the leader of the National Party.  

Like Luxon the toilets have their own unique webpage. Unlike Luxon the toilets webpage begins with some helpful advice.

THINGS TO DO (IN THE) TAIHAPE PUBLIC TOILETS

I kid you not. Take a moment to look it up. I doubt Luxon’s website offers that sort of helpful guidance. They say the best humour portrays events that are at least partly true. That is the case here. The toilets are more exciting. They attract a more diverse cross-section of New Zealand society – from Kimbolton farmers who leave their utes running outside to the trendy Wellington set on their way to ski Ruapehu. From soldiers having a night away from their Waiouru base, to the mechanic that repaired one of my tyres. The Taihape toilets are an inclusive and democratic tent. If Luxon could offer half their appeal or attract half their trade he would certainly be New Zealand’s next Prime Minister. Sadly, he just does not have the same charisma.

You see, people need to feel better as a result of their contact with greatness. Taihape’s toilets offer warmth, relief and security. And their appeal is universal. Anyone can take part. The Taihape toilets have a skilful purpose way beyond anything Luxon can offer.

However, a word of warning. In these COVID times, I want to avoid a rush of visitors to Taihape. Serious consequences could follow a tourist boom. Two reasons: there is a toilet paper shortage in New Zealand. Taihape is not exempt from the problem. So, avoid panic use. And second: please observe this internet warning.       

The public toilets on Tui Street, Taihape will be soon be undergoing maintenance. The men’s and women’s toilets will be closed on the following days: Men’s from 9am Tuesday 14 December until 5pm. Women’s from 9am Wednesday 15 December until 5pm. During these closures the unisex accessible toilet will still be available for use.

You may find Luxon with legs crossed, waiting outside, during these times. As leader of the National Party, he could never use the unisex toilet. That would be far too much excitement.

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