I see on the television news that the duck shooting season in New Zealand is in full swing. Pictures flash across the screen of grown men and their children, dressed in camouflage gear that they should be donating to those who need it in Ukraine. There they are hiding from unsuspecting ducks in mini-forts, called mai-mais. These days mai-mai construction is not to be taken lightly. Auckland Waikato Fish & Game has put together two resources on “Mai-mai Construction Guidelines” and detailed “Mai-mai Construction Plans”. Eyad’s Honours degree in engineering will be vital should he ever want to shoot some kiwi ducks.

I’ve never understood the appeal of this annual shoot-a-thon. Mind you, I have only been duck shooting once. Not that I minded the shooting. My preference was for wild goats, pigs, opossums and deer. I paid for two swimming trips to Australia by selling the carcasses and skins of that sort of shooting to a Wairoa butcher. I guess that made me a semi-professional hunter.  

So why am I so anti duck shooting? Well, the one occasion I did go duck shooting was pathetic. Let me tell you about it.

A very prominent Wellington civil servant and his family were friends of ours. One school holiday they came to our place to experience some rural adventures. Duck shooting had begun, so that of course had to be included.

The day dawned absolutely freezing. But three horses were saddled-up and we set off with my stepfather and the civil servant proudly holstering our family’s two shotguns. It took about an hour to reach our Pohataroa Station lake mai-mai. I crept inside and began warming-up thanks to my mother’s Thermos of hot chocolate.

That was about 7.00am. Well, we sat there for five hours until midday. Any ducks were at 30,000 feet, far beyond even my father’s sophisticated guns. Five hours and not a sole duck was in the slightest danger. The Pohataroa Lake was as peaceful and deserted as when we arrived.

I however was freezing. I felt like a block of ice. When would this torture end? Finally, the adults made a decision. It looked like this Saturday was not our lucky day. What! You reckon? At last, we were on the horses again, heading home. But then just after we had added to our discomfort, riding across a not-so-shallow section of the Ruakaturi River, my stepfather noticed about ten ducks on a flat field below the Pohataroa Station farmhouse. The civil servant and my father went into full hunting mode. Off the horses and crawling toward the quietly grazing ducks. Barely ten metres away two blasts rang out and one duck fell. The others began to waddle up the hill to the farmhouse. Yes, you have it right.

My stepfather and the government’s most high-profile bureaucrat had murdered one of the farmer’s domestic ducks. Panic? You have never seen the like. Two grown men sprinted back to the horses with their dead duck, and we set off at full gallop for home. All three of us could have won the Melbourne Cup.

That afternoon I was given the task of plucking the murdered bird. I have never seen so many pellets in one bird. Clearly both shotguns had found their mark.

The following day, Sunday, our families sat down for lunch that featured the produce from our day duck shooting. My mother had to supplement the duck with a second bird bought from William & Kettles grocery store in Wairoa. I made sure my meat came from the William and Kettles’ bird. The risk that I’d missed some pellets in the other duck was way too high.

Duck shooting was not the end of our illegal activity that week. We took the civil servant trout fishing. My stepfather had a favourite spot on the Hangaroa River that usually yielded a good size fish. Sure enough our friend had only been casting for a few minutes before a huge brown trout swam slowly by. Try as he might, casting his fly inches away from the trout, the fish was not interested. For half an hour, cast after cast, was being ignored.

Finally, this pillar of Wellington society grabbed my father’s rifle and fired it in the direction of the unsuspecting fish. The bullet never hit the fish, but the shock waves were enough to stun it and cause it to float upside-down to the surface. Faster than Michael Phelps, our friend was in the water and had the stunned fish in hand. Tomorrow’s lunch was clearly going to be, and was, a small slice of Hangaroa brown trout.

Of all the years I spent hunting over the Te Reinga hills, I never had a week like the one when Wellington came to the country. It put me off duck shooting and fishing for life.

Swimwatch readers will know that Eyad has decided to compete in the Mare Nostrum swim series. Any travel for a Syrian refugee is difficult. Even though Eyad is now a New Zealand permanent resident and has a New Zealand Travel Document, a visa is required for everything. And these are not just any old visas.

Eyad is the most peace-loving guy. He’s as Kiwi as all can be. For example, he wandered into the pool café yesterday, fully dressed for work at his Queen St. engineering company, except he had bare feet. My mother and his mother would have had something to say about that.

But even Eyad is required to produce a mountain of paperwork. I constantly hear New Zealanders complain about needing a Covid test before an international flight. They should try living in a Syrian’s shoes for a day. I had no idea how lucky we are – have a Covid test, fill out a departure form and away we go to just about anywhere in the world. When I began helping Eyad with his Mare Nostrum journey, I couldn’t believe the difficulties he thinks of as normal.

But then Eyad got some good news – some really good news. He got an email from FINA. This is what it said.

Subject: Refugee Team in FINA World Championships Budapest 2022

 Dear Mohamed,

 We are very happy to be able to welcome you at the 19^th FINA World Championships in Budapest upcoming June!

 I would like to set up an online meeting to discuss your participation.

 Should you need any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 Kind regards,

And so, just like that Eyad’s trip now includes competing at the World Championships in Budapest. Four cities: Monaco, Barcelona, Canet and Budapest. Now, that must be the swim trip of a lifetime. If Eyad can add Paris to that list in a couple of years, what more is there to do? The difficulty of getting there maybe extreme, but the reward is turning out to be amazing.

There may be some who question whether refugees should benefit by having a “special” entry to World Championship and Olympic competition. Believe me, there is nothing special about a refugee’s sporting life. Just call yourself Syrian and go live in the Middle East for a few months. You will see how special your life is then. I’ve been with Eyad when he was refused entry into a public swimming pool because of his nationality. I’ve been in a car with him when he was refused a park close to a pool for the same reason. I’ve seen coaches refuse to coach him because he is Syrian.  Try ringing the American Embassy, tell them you are Syrian and would like to visit Mississippi. See how special that phone call ends up.

The IOC, NZOC and now FINA’s efforts to address the discrimination and hurt caused to some deserves nothing but praise. I have always thought Immigration New Zealand’s approach to refugees was compassionate and thoughtful. Certainly, in Eyad’s case, he has been treated with care and respect. Well, you can add the Spanish Embassy in Wellington to the helpful list. And Swimming New Zealand, don’t forget them. They say you can judge someone by their actions. The effort SNZ has made to help Eyad has been above and beyond. If you are a parent reading this post, be content – your son or daughter is in a new organisation that cares. The sport of swimming in New Zealand is in a good place.

Mare Nostrum meets are always competitive. I have a feeling this year will be especially tough. I am sure many very good swimmers will be using Mare Nostrum for the same reason as Eyad – as warm-up meets for the World Championships. The three meets are perfectly placed to provide fast swimming before arriving in Budapest.

International competition has always improved a swimmer’s performance. I remember Brett Naylor telling Jane Copland at a Sydney World Cup that she was a “disgrace to New Zealand” because she was too slow. She was only 15 and was swimming for the experience. Naylor never apologised for that insult not even when Jane won open national championships, broke New Zealand open records, represented New Zealand and made the NCAA championship finals. Her career was, in part, built on her early exposure to international swimming.  

I am sure Eyad will find the same thing. This trip will be another four steps up the ladder. Four steps that have been well earned. I wish him well.

It has indeed been a horrible week. For those of us on the political left it couldn’t get much worse. But before discussing the world’s depressing lurch to the right there was one glimmer of left-wing hope.

Did you see the New Zealand Herald report that, “It’s a bitter pill to swallow to learn that while the people in this corner of the world were enthusiastically welcoming the prince and his wife, she allegedly “hated” that tour.” Someone has revealed that Meghan Markle was not at all impressed with her visit to these shores. She thought the visit was “pointless”.

What brilliant news. I guess it means she has no plans to come here again. New Zealand will be spared the indignity of hosting a piece of Hollywood trash and her pathetic husband. “Glory! Glory! Hallelujah! “

But now the not-so-good news. First let’s consider what America has done to drag the world backwards. Did you see their Supreme Court has leaked a decision to do away with the Roe V Wade protection of a woman’s right to have an abortion? If the leak is confirmed, what a cesspit that country has become. Grey haired old bastards in Washington DC, spouting religious platitudes, treating women like breeding cattle.

I listened to a discussion that took place between two senior American members of my swim team.

One of them, an Olympic Gold medallist, asked, “Would you still be against abortion if the foetus was the result of a gang rape by a dozen drunk, drug addicts, two of whom were the woman’s father and brother, and a scan of the foetus found no legs and a twisted spine, and a blood test showed provable intellectual disability. Would an abortion be alright in those circumstances?”

Unbelievably the other American swimmer replied, “No abortions ever. Not even in the circumstances you have described.” What a revolting piece of vermin. Explain to me – where is the Christianity in that?

And for some who may be thinking, “That’s in America. It will not affect us here.”

Don’t be so sure. I can hear New Zealand’s right-wing nutters, buzzing with delight at the American decision. I bet Brian Tamaki has already prepared Sunday’s sermon on the subject. I just hope New Zealand has more respect for women’s health and their right to choose than listen to the evil empire or their disciples in New Zealand.

And then New Zealand has another opinion poll that shows a bit more support for the Luxon, Willis, Hosking cabal that run the right-wing reactionary sect in New Zealand. The press and especially Newstalk ZB report the poll in a fit of delight. A coup-d’état of good over evil according to Heather du Plessis-Allan.

What not one of those dishonest morons cares to report is that Jacinda and the Greens and the Maori Party (if needed) would still form the next government ahead of National and Act.

However, I guess the point is, opinion polls come, and opinion polls go. As a million politicians have said, “There is only one poll that matters.” Let’s hope Willis and Luxon get stung badly in a little over a year’s time.

Away from politics and back to sport, most of New Zealand will know that my preference for an Aimee Fisher win over Lisa Carrington did not happen. I was pleased to hear Fisher confirm she intended to continue training away from the centralised programme used by Carrington and her coach. In that respect Fisher is a far better example to athletes in Wanaka, Wairoa, Clive and Pahiatua than the cosseted, privileged clique that populate Canoe Racing New Zealand’s centralised programme.

Congratulations to Carrington though – she sure knows how to paddle a canoe.  

On the subject of centralised training, I see the report on cycling’s problems is going to be published in May. About time, should be our reaction to that news. It will be interesting to see whether the physician is going to heal itself.

My bet is the report will be a whitewash of monumental proportions. Raelene Castle is an expert at using the privacy of others to protect herself. And even when the central subject is dead my guess is Olivia’s family will be in deep need of Castle’s privacy protection. The more fresh air this subject gets, the better it will be for all sport in New Zealand. But hold your breath. There is not going to be much fresh air around when this report finally appears.

And to end with a bit of really good news, Eyad is in the middle of preparing to swim in the Mare Nostrum series of swim meets in Europe. Arrangements are a bit more complicated in his case because of his refugee background and permanent residence, rather than citizenship, in New Zealand.

However, Swimming New Zealand (SNZ) has been helping. Don’t anyone tell me SNZ has not changed for the better. Their help has been terrific. Amanda, Jerry, Gary and Andy (North Shore Club) have bent over backwards to get Eyad on the airplane. My guess Eyad is going to have a fantastic trip to Monaco, Barcelona and Canet – especially Canet, one of the world’s top towns.

Swimming has become fun again. Ever since, I guess it must have been, Steve, Garry and Nick, did away with that central control of the swimming world the sport has improved in leaps and bounds. Without question good results are close behind. SNZ does not need to hear this from me – but, bloody well done.    

Gradually the new National Party led by Luxon and Willis is beginning to show its colours. It is not a pretty sight. Everything those two do screams beware! They have spent a few months ingratiating themselves to the country. “Look at us,” they have said. “Nothing to hide here. We are good, common, home-spun folk – just like all of you. New Zealand can trust a National Party with the Luxon/Willis team in charge.”

I am no great scholar of religion but the Luxon/Willis story is a façade of biblical proportions. Willis should know that from her mornings in the Marsden School chapel. Without question the most obvious biblical verse is, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.”

And gradually their mouths are beginning to speak. Their true, nasty, greedy, grasping, rapacious, avaricious selves are being exposed. For example, Revenue Minister, David Parker has just announced that the Government is gathering information on the tax paid by New Zealand’s wealthiest people. The idea is to make sure that everyone is paying their fair share. The investigation is needed because recent Household Economic Survey information suggests “top end” earners may be getting away with blue murder.

 Parker said,” “What’s hidden is that the tax rate for middle-income Kiwis is generally higher than it is for their wealthier co-citizens. Indeed, some of their wealthier Kiwi compatriots pay very low rates of tax on most of their income.”

No one in New Zealand should mind the government checking that out. In fact, if the rich are ripping the country off, it’s the Government’s job to find out and bring them into line. Except that is not the way Luxon sees it. He is criticising the Government’s investigation, saying New Zealand already has a fair, progressive tax code. He even went as far as to say, “it’s important that wealthy people pay their fair share.”

Not that Luxon believes a word he says. Not when the first thing his government would do is abolish the 39% tax rate that only Luxon, Willis, Hosking and a few other New Zealanders pay. If the Government’s investigation is not needed because the tax rates are so fair, if it is important that wealthy people pay their fair share, why is National’s first policy statement aimed at changing the tax rate to benefit the rich?

And National’s tax changes are for the benefit of the rich. The Luxon/Willis cabal are prepared to use the power of government to benefit themselves, to line their own pockets. For example, if Luxon’s tax changes were applied, New Zealanders earning $55,000 would save about $800 a year. But someone earning $45,000 would only get an additional $112 a year. Luxon, Willis, Hosking and their mates would get an $18,000 cut in tax.

“Fair” according to the Luxon/National way of thinking means he’s worth 160 times more than the average New Zealander. The new National Party’s idea of a fair tax change would see the average New Zealander eat for three days while Luxon and Willis could eat like kings for a year. How close is that to Marie-Antoinette’s, “Qu’ils mangent de la brioche” (“Let them eat cake”). One can only hope Luxon’s tax plan becomes a similar symbol of decadence – because it is.

I’ve noticed this before about Luxon. His mind is like Villa Pisani, considered the most difficult maze in the world, Even Napoleon is said to have been trumped by this labyrinth. Perhaps there are readers who do not believe Luxon has a jumbled mind. How else could we explain this series of quotes from his interview with Jack Tame about the Government’s investigation.

“My big take away is very clear”

“The reason is very simple”

Have you got that? The tax problem is “clear” and “simple”. BUT ———

“I am not really sure where it’s going”

“It still wasn’t very clear”

Confused? I am. It is “clear”. It is “simple”, but it isn’t “clear” and Luxon doesn’t know “where it’s going”. Wow, what a tangled web the stupid can weave. In this case, mind numbingly stupid.  

Fortunately, the maths next year is simpler than tax. Luxon gets one vote and so do the New Zealanders on $45,000. But I bet Luxon and certainly Willis wish they could change that. I hope New Zealanders on $45,000 remember that Luxon wants $18,000 for himself while offering them $112. And that is why Parker’s investigation is necessary. The Luxon/Willis National Party can’t be trusted.    

“Qu’ils mangent de la brioche”.