What sport in their right mind would copy the shambolic history of Swimming New Zealand (SNZ)? Unable to win a race at the Commonwealth Games, the World Championships or the Olympic Games, swimming would be the worst sport to copy. Falling membership, declining income and slashed government funding should warn any self-respecting sport to stay well away. “Couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery”, was invented to describe SNZ.

But the SNZ model is being copied by a surprising number of NZ sports. Consider the similarities. Swimming has had eight Head Coaches in eight years. No other sport can match that record score but cycling, hockey, rowing and soccer are giving it their best shot. All four have sacked successful and talented coaches. We know what happened when SNZ headed down the path of a new coach every five minutes – its swimmers began to lose. Centralised training was a flawed policy made worse by shambolic mismanagement.

I have a theory about why the sports most closely governed by the CEO of Sport NZ, Peter Miskimmin, sack their coaches. They do it because Miskimmin is intent on shifting the blame for a losing performance. His administration and his policy can’t possibly be wrong, so he deflects attention away from anything associated with his failure by sacking the coach. For ten years it worked in swimming. Poor performances were blamed on underperforming coaches. Sack the coach and the bureaucrats stop looking at Miskimmin’s policy decisions – simple really.

But there is a cost to the coaching turnover. Teams begin to lose. It happened in swimming. The sport in NZ is now a swimming backwater (excuse the pun). Gone are the days of Hurring, Moss, Kingsman, Langrell, Loader, Jeffs and Simcic. Do I think Cotterill, Johns and Francis have the knowledge, talent or drive to fix it, to assemble a new team of international winners? Not a snowball’s chance in hell is the answer.

The same malaise is happening in hockey. The coach was sacked for being tough and old-fashioned. Five minutes later, in a home international tournament, the NZ women’s team lost three games and won one. Hockey is experiencing the same old Miskimmin slide into oblivion.

Which brings me to cycling. Now this really is a sport that has received millions from Peter Miskimmin. The town of Cambridge has become to cycling what North Shore used to be to swimming. Cycling has become the new poster child of Miskimmin’s fanatical devotion to centralised training. With all that attention it was only a matter of time before the Miskimmin sacking machine got to work. Sure enough the cycling sprint coach, Antony Peden, was sacked on the strength of a rumour about a boozy party in France and a couple of cycling wallflowers who complained about Peden’s bad habit of calling a spade a bloody shovel.

So what has happened to cycling’s results? Well I was interested to read the following report in today’s NZ Herald.

Yes, that’s right. Cycling is the new SNZ Mark 2. If I was the cycling coach that took over from Antony Peden I’d be looking over my shoulder very carefully right now. Miskimmin will not like these cycling results one little bit. His crown jewel on two wheels is fading fast. Cycling will be asked to explain. The coach will be blamed and the sacking machine will swing into action. Predicting that outcome is not difficult when your background is in swimming. Swimming is the gold standard for coach sackings, mismanagement and chaos. In fact there is no prediction involved. Just remember what happened in swimming and change the sport to cycling. Same game, different sport. Pretty soon cycling, like swimming, won’t be able to win a race.

Except, in cycling, there is a ray of hope. Swimming had its Lauren Boyle. Cycling has a similar star. His name is Hamish Bond. He knows enough about training and sport to avoid the Miskimmin minefield. Only problem is, on this trip to the World Championships, cycling wouldn’t pick him. Bloody typical! As I say, cycling is SNZ, Cotterill, Johns and Francis all over again.